Ah, travel. We all love travel. But does travel love us?
You may, at times, have felt less than wholly welcome when visiting other countries. Perhaps you’ve turned round in the marketplace to see the locals laughing and making hand gestures behind your back. Or you’ve found strange substances floating in your soup at the taverna. Perhaps you’ve woken up in the middle of the night with the muzzle of a Glock 17 jammed into your teeth while masked men rifle through your luggage.
The sad truth is that however gosh darn lovable you are, however cuddly and caramel-centered, it’s just possible that your hosts will see you instead as overbearing, over-privileged and overweight. Particularly if you’re American. And that’s totes unfair, right? Considering all the good work your country has done liberating people all round the world, often so promptly that the people you liberated hadn’t even realized yet they needed liberating.
But turn that frown upside down. We at the Beijinger, with our effortless cosmopolitan savoir faire, are here to help. We’ve produced this comprehensive guide to global etiquette, which will assure you of being loved and welcomed wherever you go. Any countries not mentioned can be assumed to be ugly and/or boring so not worth visiting.
Japan
The Japanese are a tactile, demonstrative people and on first meeting you should enfold them in a big, sweaty hug. Be the life and soul of the party at onsen baths by “bombing” into the water, then putting an arm around a fellow bather while you tell them the stories behind your extensive tattoos.
New Zealand
Nothing important or interesting happened in New Zealand prior to the filming of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so be sure to ask people frequently whether they are Hobbits. They literally never tire of this joke. They also admire and look up to Australians – to be mistaken for an Australian is the highest compliment you can pay them.
Mongolia
In Ulaanbaatar the men are very proud of the beauty of their women, and consider it a great honor when foreigners express their admiration. If you’re a man visiting a UB nightclub you should pay compliments to all the Mongolian women and offer to buy them drinks, particularly if they’re accompanied by a male partner. Don’t be surprised if a group of local youths then invite you to step outside with them; they just want to add you on Facebook.
Brazil
Impress the locals by learning a few phrases in Spanish before your trip. Brazil’s most popular soccer team is called “Argentina” – wearing their jersey and chanting their name is an easy way to make friends. No visit to Brazil’s capital, Rio de Janeiro, is complete without a tour of the famous favelas. When the sun goes down, that’s when it gets really lively!
England
Londoners love tourists, and you can show your appreciation of their beautiful city by stopping on busy streets every few steps and taking pictures with a selfie stick. Particularly good views can be found at the top and bottom of escalators on the Underground.
The other places in England are Scotland, Ireland, and Stratford-upon-Avon.
France
Parisians are known for their friendliness and civic pride. If you see a local accidentally dropping a cigarette end, or forgetting to clean up after their little yappy dog has fouled the sidewalk, be sure to point it out to them – they’ll be grateful to you. And remember to address them in English, they love to show off their language skills.
Africa
Africa is a very big country, so make sure you pick the right part to visit, depending on whether you want to see lions and people with rings round their necks, or camels and the place Star Wars was filmed. People from the lion part of the country are called “Zulus” and do a famous dance where they jump up and down. You should ask everyone you meet to dance for you. In fact, it’s considered polite to specify exactly how high you would like them to jump.
Thailand, Laos, Vietnam
These countries are basically all the same, and exist mainly as a sort of theme park for western backpackers. Do what you like.
This article first appeared in our November/December magazine. To read the entire issue online, please click here.
Photo: huffingtonpost.com